“Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountaintops never will.”
This concept always seemed difficult to grasp. It didn’t fit within life, addiction or any of my actions or failures. The idea of rock bottom was a wide concept that I did not find fit a “one size fits all’ model. In many ways. Especially within my own mind. I got to decide what sad story would take space in the movie screen within my own distorted thoughts. Disconnecting from the world and attaching painful events and emotions together, I would be all too happy to grab a seat in the front row, settle in and be entertained by my grief. We all know that scary movies and thrillers are the most exciting and Ego does put on a fantastic show!
I would especially enjoy the credits because those were highlighted perfectly for me to read aloud, like a blamey roll call. All the cast of characters would be assigned the Golden trophy of blame. When the great show would play itself out and become a bore, I would, unknowingly search for the nearest sponsor to keep it playing. Instead of letting this go, I might have invited a friend to watch this masterpiece that I created. Thinking that this was a masterful idea! Surely, they can clap loudly, cheer for me and assign the blame badge on the right person. Right?
I have had many terrifying and dramatic moving stories in my life and when continuing being focused and depressed about my pain didn’t work any more I chose to simply cancel my pain and heartache and move on. Possibly becoming the creator of the term “Cancel Culture.” Having been cancelled many times over the years. My family was not equip to love me, in return, I did the same thing to myself and to others. This pattern played out in my life for a very long time until I realized that there was a Great Power inside of my heart. The Power of Gods grace, and within that a great gift. The gift of free will, and the intellect to put free will to work wisely.
This precious gift of free will, brought forth the blockbuster rewrite of my life. Like an old classic black and white movie made into brilliant technicolour, I learned to love myself and heal through these vivid stories. I was now prepared to do the hard work of feeling the pain within them and honour these painful memories instead of cancelling them. Seeking out and choosing to focus on the beauty and inspiration of creation to be in my scope of vision. I was promptly given a new life and a completely new identity. I would now have to learn to live my new life in Peace and joy but mostly to live it free from my own condemnation.
The traumas of my youth did take hold of me in my early 20’s. I allowed them to walk along with me all the way into my forties. Especially when I was heavily soaked in my addiction. While living the lifestyle of addiction, both major and micro, I never slowed down enough to feel the pain from the proverbial rock bottom because an addict is only concerned with the outcome. An addicts Mantra, “what can I do to get the desired feeling back” is really all of us ever want in life. To get the pleasing feelings back. We all just have a different way of satisfying ourselves.
It took me 15 years to learn and master meditation, to search out knowledge. Then I realized that when you are constantly seeking, you miss seeing. So, I began to find the beauty in life everywhere and to trust people again. Since I freed myself from addiction, I was out in the world more. Becoming involved and exploring its beauty its people and all it had to offer. Being out in the world brought me courage and richness of experience.
Living what could only be described as my perfect dream life now; Giving back to community; being active in my Church; Having fun with my amazing 'sistar' friends, I continued to stay well and to be inspired on the daily. Working in ministry, operating my Studio and having days filled with love of self and love toward others.
I remember vividly the day I was blessed one more painful miracle of complete healing, and freedom. The day that my life changed forever in a way deeper than could have ever been expected. The healing that only comes from within the deepest of pain.
On a gorgeous warm sunny day June 6th 2019, I received Holy Confirmation by the Bishop of my Church. I will never forget how I felt seeing so many wonderful people that love me out in the huge crowd. The entire day was electric! My back was strong and I was in no pain. Even one of the hymns that was sung that day had played out in my dreams the night before. It was all so powerful! So perfect! A happy group of us all went out for a big buffet feast filled with laughter and even fuller bellies.
After arriving home content and so full of joy, I sat down on my couch to relax and the phone rang. “Hello, Anita, your father has just died”
A little back story. You see, I don’t exist to my parental units and the whole extended family on both sides.
Most of them were fine with forgetting me decades earlier. But I still had a soft spot for my Dad.
It was by the kindness of a cousin who had been keeping me apprised who called to say “Your Father has just passed away.” Maybe this was rock bottom? I could feel the blood drain and the pain wanted to steal away all of the beautiful feelings of this remarkable day.
My Father's obituary was printed in the newspaper a few days after the funeral so I would not be able to attend. My name was not included in my father's obituary. It was published in the newspaper a few days after the Funeral had already taken place so there was no chance that I would show up. Was this rock bottom? NO! This was the miracle of freedom!
Instead that was the moment when my movie script got another glorious rewrite. I decided from then on to live in the moment always! To forever on live life without predesigned expectations. I freed myself from the past, from the abuse and abandonment.
Soon after, I set out on pilgrimage to England. Determined to find out who I really was. I took very little with me and intentionally expected even less. Reminding myself to just be, to stay neutral. No expectations, no disappointments.
I really did find my true self, my soul, my history there in England. It was like the puzzle pieces were all finally fitting. I no longer felt like I was dropped off on the wrong planet at birth. I was also given a new forever family within that group of pilgrims. My soul 'sistar' Loriiii and the circle blessed me in ceremony with a brand new name. My Spirit name* Sparkling Light Weaver Woman*. A name that has helped me to live more from the heart. On the first night we were there we had to fill out our contact info. Where it said what is your age, for some strange reason, instead of 51 I put 22. I suddenly felt stupid, automatically wanting to change it. Then an elder in the group put her hand over mine and said, “Don’t change the number, who were you when you were 22? Please remember her” So I did just that.
Over the next months, I slowly began to remember her, the 22 year old me. The me that my husband fell in love with. Purposely now, I began redesigning my life back to how I was when youth was on my side. When everything was possible and feelings of simple joys were the only feelings that now deserved to be amplified and gain my attention.
I had this awesome expanse of open space within my reach. When Covid-19 came there was now this space. My business shut down, but I didn’t worry. I realized that I was now given a wonderful gift of free time. I decided to have some fun with this. I started reliving the decades of my 20’s and my 30’s like some fantastically written blockbuster sequel. I brought back into my life so many simple joys that I took for granted.
I died my hair platinum blonde again, worked up a sweat to the Cindy Crawford workout and favourite Yoga VHS tapes that I had done decades before. (I am not quite at the weight that I was in my youth, I am still trying.) I bought Danielle Steel novels. I was once again drawn to 90’s fashions jeans, concert shirts and pretty coloured frocks from my favorite thrift stores. I became sensitive, and passionate once again. I celebrated holidays again, started singing aloud again, dancing again, painting, listening to vinyl.
I rediscovered my love for the beauty industry that I had been a part of since the 80”s. I smile, laugh, and appreciate again! Many wise women from that period of my life began to reappear to love and teach me all over again. Friendships were once again real and true. Friendships that I no longer had to tiptoe around or be afraid to speak my truth. My husband and I fell deeply in love again! We look out for one another and care for each other like way back when it all began. We also laugh hysterically at life, at our new puppy Ziggy Stardust, but mostly we laugh at ourselves and our all too colourful past together over cups of tea.
I know for absolute certain I had never hit rock bottom, no matter how agonizing past experience was. Instead, I realized that I was always safe on solid ground, with God, as my rock that I stood upon.