I first admitted it to PEOPLE at age 22. I honestly never thought I would ever tell anyone that I had an eating disorder. It was my deepest, darkest secret. My dad didn’t know.”
After appearing on American Idol at age 15, my eating disorder grew more severe; being in the public eye led to more scrutiny of my appearance.
There were blogs that called me Miss Piggy, It’s a really hard thing to see as a teenager, especially when you already have problems. Reading what people had to say about me online definitely made it worse. People can be vicious. It got so bad that I was throwing up after every meal. For a solid two to three years, I was very, very sick. It got to the point where my hair fell out. That didn't even seem to snap me out of it.
Honestly, I don’t know that I would’ve gotten better if it hadn’t affected my vocal cords. I had really bad polyps on my vocal cords, and I’ve had them since I was a kid, but the bulimia made it 10 times worse. They were bleeding constantly and it was straining on my voice. And just the lack of nutrition — my vocal cords couldn’t keep up because I was so unhealthy.
My doctor told me if I did not get help, I would never be able to sing again. That was the first time it clicked for me.. It wasn’t my hair falling out, it wasn’t my bones sticking out too much — it was my voice. When they told me that my voice was going to go away, that really got to me. Had I not gotten better, I may not have any of the AMAZING success my Road Less Travelled album and so much more. I may not have this or any music. I can’t even imagine. I don’t know what I would do.
I sought treatment at 18, and spent the next two years rebuilding my self-confidence. I took some time off from working out, because I had to learn to love myself before I could do things to improve myself. I gained quite a bit of weight in that time, trying to get to where I felt like I could handle it again.
Then I began easing myself into a healthy fitness and diet routine. I had to replace all of my bad habits with healthy ones, which took a while. I started cutting out sweets and carbs and exercising, and finding things to do in the gym that I enjoyed. I baby-stepped my way into it. I started out walking on the treadmill, and now I sprint on the treadmill.
This body is new to me. so I’m still trying to get used to it. I’m still learning to love myself.(Cont'd at Right)
I want to be the girl who has a positive influence on people’s lifestyle. I don’t want to be the girl who has an eating disorder and that’s why she looks the way she does.
As for my new exercise regime, now my low speed is what my high speed used to be. I went from not working out at all to working out six days a week. The most rewarding thing, it’s not looking in the mirror because that’s still hard for me. The most rewarding part is that I have people asking me to help them.
I could stare at this picture and cry. My 17-year-old self who was riddled with insecurities and suffered with eating disorders is so proud right now.
"Why do you keep on staring? / That mirror, mirror, it ain’t fair at all / Dress sizes can’t define / Don’t let the world decide what’s beautiful,” I sing on the empowering single. “Show what you got and just own it / No, they can’t tear you apart.”
I feel way bette., Everyone has to find what makes them feel better, and that just happens to be what works for me.
For anyone struggling with their own body image issues or an eating disorder, my best advice is to learn to treat yourself with kindness.
It’s not going to happen overnight, but you’ve got to take care of yourself. We will say things to ourselves that we would never in a million years say to another human being, and that’s not fair because we’re human beings too. You’re the only you you have, so you have to be good to yourself. When you’re not good to yourself, you’re not good to others. And if you need help, get it — it’s worth it.
Lauren reveals Dad didn’t know about her Disorder
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