I was very insecure as a child. From my perspective nothing ever seemed to be good enough. My marks in school could have been better. I could have been faster. I could have been more careful. The list is long. As I perceived this feedback to mean I had fallen short, the more insecure I became. My blueprint, created as a young child, was programmed to constantly search for love, acceptance, and external approval. A validation that I had worth and something of value to share with the world.
I sought approval from my friends, my teachers, and more importantly from my supervisors. I was constantly doing things I really did not want to do. In order to be included, my true desires took a back seat. On the job I would work till the job was done, I would go beyond what was expected of me, and I strove to reach an approval bar I perceived to be constantly moving upwards. I never felt worthy.
Neville Goddard’s theorizes, the world will always treat you in direct alignment to how you see yourself. This lesson comes with a price. Not only did I lose my self-worth, my self-respect, and my identity while trying to receive the respect and acceptance of others; my physical health was significantly affected.
The stress I experienced came from the expansive gap between who I was authentically and who I had become due to my associative memories. Those beliefs and values I had unwillingly embraced from others without ever taking the time to explore if they were true for me. Did their opinions really define my worth? Could I create my worth intrinsically by earning my own respect?
Being a victim, or at least feeling like a victim, was the most disempowering way I could have lived my life. The constant pressure to fit in, to be accepted, to hear that precious “good job” pushed me farther and farther from my authentic self. The greater the gap, the greater my stress.
I had never felt like I fit in. I had always felt different, driven by a search for something when I didn’t know what I was looking for. I had lived my entire life with a restlessness which had caused me to change jobs, move, to continue to learn and learn, and learn.
Today I understand my impatience was nudging me to seek the truth. As humans, most of us, must face a crisis in order to implement change. I was no different. I had promised myself things would be different many times only to return to my comfort zone. My familiar zone.
My story is often referred to as the Hero’s Journey, a title created by American scholar, Joseph Campbell. Joseph used the Hero’s Journey to describe a personal transformation, that when the results are achieved, can offer great benefit to the surrounding community and beyond. In modern day terms this is the story of personal growth of any individual whom, as a result of a crisis, commits to a journey of self-discovery and chooses to follow a new path. It is through this exploration the individual discovers their unique gifts or talents. These are the gifts that they were always meant to share, but somewhere along the line they had been lost, forgotten, or hidden. In the end I believe we are all looking for a way for our lives have meaning. A crisis forces us to look at our mortality and evaluate our lives and achievements to date. My health crisis became the catalyst for my change.
I was forced to leave a job that I loved due to health reasons. I had turned away from the Hero’s Journey several times before, but my path had always brought me back to the same place. I was tired of the struggle, tired of the same draining experiences and so I chose to learn about who I really was and what I had to offer.
Reconnecting with my authentic self was work, hard mental work, as I dissected my beliefs, emotions, judgements, etc. to embrace my truth. I learned about the subconscious mind and how my life, for the most part, had been lived on autopilot, basically reliving the same experience over and over and over. I was determined to never let anyone dictate my future again and so I dug (Cont'd at Right)
to never let anyone dictate my future again and so I dug deep to find the courage to rewrite my story.
I read books, attended workshops, listened to speakers, and took courses. I learned how to apply the knowledge I had gained in practical and meaningful ways. I recognized while I could not control the actions of others I was free to choose how I would respond. Bit by bit I chipped away at what no longer served me and embraced a new way of being. As my confidence grew my fear diminished. With clarity came energy and a happiness I had long forgotten.
I now understand living as my authentic self is my only purpose on this planet. I knew who I was when I was born. My soul knew exactly what my purpose was, and my task was to find my way back to my true self.
It is important to note that I did not take this journey alone. I couldn’t. I was too close and too entwined in my story. I had no perspective because my subconscious mind believed the story to be true and worked tirelessly to maintain the status quo.
Seeking approval from others kept me trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-doubt and low esteem. I spent endless amounts of energy trying to earn favour with those around me. Not only did this search for external validation affect my emotional health but it also weakened my physical health. It had disrupted my life balance and internal harmony. Taking charge of my life meant choosing how to develop and accept my own self-worth. This is not conceit; rather a healthy way to be. Remember the words of Goddard mentioned earlier in this blog, the world will always treat you according to how you see yourself.
The most interesting result of my journey; once I personally validated my worth, the people and experiences in my world change. I no longer feel a need to prove myself. People accept me for who I am and respect the skill and talents I have to offer.
A personal crisis can be one of life’s greatest gifts. I am grateful for all the lessons as they brought me to where I am today. Having successfully embraced my Hero’s Journey, I now provide support to others in their journey back to authenticity, back to their true selves. It’s truly a wondrous place to be
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