I admit, I have always had difficulties writing about myself, even when I was a community news reporter and had numerous opportunities to express views and opinions.
However, I was honoured when Carolyn invited me to be included in her 15th Anniversary Commemorative edition of WOW magazine.
The question I had was, what do I write about?
Everyone endures many challenges and obstacles in life. As women, what don’t we struggle with? The challenges we endure, yet not limited to, include body image, careers, finances, life purpose, being a supportive companion and parenting.
Additionally, we are quietly and constantly criticizing our self-worth and undermining our confidence. Many times, this could be due to projections put on us by others due to their own inner insecurities or even our initial home environment that bombarded us with you need to do better, your effort wasn’t good enough. With the modernization of women’s role in society and culture, competition is intense in striving to balance a fulfilling and meaningful professional and family life.
There are many additional qualities that significantly empower and boost a women’s worth, yet we often forget about them. It’s crucial to remember they are pillars of strength, not weakness. These foundational pillars derive from our inner self, comprising of sensitivity, caring, nurturing, compassionate, strong intuition and natural ability to honour and support others on their life journey. We interconnect with many people in our lifetime which are also a contributing factor to our challenges. So much, we don’t realize until later in life, the imprint we made in their life or what we are remembered for.
In my late-twenties and early-thirties, I began a journey of inner self-reflection and the willingness to understand what makes other humans, well, human. Since then, it has been my go-to when reflecting on past and current personal and professional relationships. A friend of mine once questioned why I needed to understand people and why they are the way they are. My answer to that is everyone has a story to why they are the way they are.
As Cyndi Lauper sings in her song “Echo,” everything echoes home. My life reflects that song. It takes to heart the concept that “your vibe attracts your tribe”. Understanding how people became the person they were or are now helped me become more compassionate, understanding and empathetic towards them. It doesn’t excuse their initial nastiness towards me, however; released a lot of negative emotional weight on the heart.
I always knew and felt I was different kid growing up. Looking back, it would constitute as being socially awkward. I had a few friends, yet, we were close, until I moved to Alberta with my family in 1993. Moving to a new school, I was excited. Meet new kids and make some friends. Two girls whom I genuinely tried to make friends started out nice at first, however; within a few weeks began to change and the progressive bullying began.
Let’s name the girls “Emma” and “Christina”. Bullying continued into Grades 8 and 9. There were some calm days, but those days were minimal. I couldn’t comprehend why they were, simply put, just mean. I didn’t have an agenda. All I was looking for was a genuine friendship.
It wasn’t until about three or four years ago an a-ha moment came me. I realized I subconsciously displayed acts of compassion to these girls. I was still kind to them when I could be. What I didn’t recognize at the time was that it seemed as though something clicked in their brain to put their guard up once the friendship seemed to get too comfortable for their liking.
In the lyrics of Fleetwood Mac’s “Storm”, “Never have (they) been a blue calm sea, (they) have always been a storm”. The storm clouds that followed them from home to school was an established protective measure to hide the shame of coming from such unloving households. A belief I have developed is that an educational environment should be a safe environment, not one to relinquish repressed emotions brought to school from home.
I credit my long-time best friend Melissa, who was also a best friend and lifeline to “Emma”, for this realization. She brought something powerful to my attention one day during a text discussion.
“Emma” asked our mutual friend, Melissa, why when she treated me so rotten, did I bring her homework to her when she was sick from school in Grade 8. “Why was Jennifer so nice like that?”
Melissa said that is how I naturally was. Even when “Emma” returned to our school part way through Grade 9 after switching from another school, I did ensure an honest effort to welcome her back even though she had other friends.
Why is this important?
This comes back to resonating with the concept of “everything echoes home.” The bullying behaviour that I observed and endured by "Emma" and "Christina" derived from roots of unloving home environments. Bullying was an emotional release response, the only way they knew how to deal with frustration, resentment and guilt from the parents’ projection they were unlovable and, even more heartbreaking, unwanted.
Treating them with kindness whenever possible, unknowing of the battles they were fighting was the best way I knew how to respond. Enduring an emotionally turbulent household myself, I understood what it felt like to not have proper love expressed, hence the unconscious act of being kind towards others. My tribe has many friends who have also endured difficult relationships with their moms. Also, to balance this I have gratefully endured the love of a handful of adoptive moms who helped at various stages in my life and still have an encouraging impact on me today.
I have come to understand through experience and extensive reading that family cycles play a significant role in the affected child’s life. Many women continue to endure these cycles. Many are strong, confident, aware of these generational patterns and take action to ensure the patterns stop with them and not carried further. For others, the cycle is only what they understand, know and feel comfortable with. Limiting family beliefs and past experience engrain an internal belief that they don’t deserve better for themselves or factor in age.
Anyone who has been told they don’t deserve better; kindly remind them they do when they have the opportunity. It hurt when I was bullied and made to feel less than others, yet deep inside I knew I didn’t have to do the same to make myself feel better. I just had to be the loving person I truly am. I sensed I deserved to be treated better and chose to follow the Golder Rule: “Do unto others only what you would want done to you”. I remember expressing this understanding to my mom after many conversations regarding her life growing up. She was blown away and appreciative of this perspective.
It's important to understand and remind not only ourselves, but also our sisters, mothers, friends who are struggling, that in our lineages, our ancestors want the best for us. Their spirit has always and continues to want us to evolve in all aspects as each new generation emerges.
Self-love is an important pillar. It’s taken me 44 years to understand that the longest relationship we will have in this lifetime is one with our physical selves, in the universe – our souls. Our quirks make us unique. The universe infused us with a distinctive divine spirit to carry us through this lifetime and bravely tap into unlimited potential.
For everyone reading this, you have probably read about this many times on social media posts or books, however; just a tender and compassionate reminder you are valuable, loved, appreciated and worthy of all that you do. Ensure your surrounding tribe reflects the values and qualities you seek to living a wonderful and meaningful life.
No matter where life’s journey takes me, I won’t let others determine what my story is without reading and understanding the full book, not just glancing at my cover.
Keep on blazing!